Yard Sale (Or, Ficus Forever)

People often make cute quips about life throwing them a curveball, but the thing about that is that their curveballs generally look like skee balls that missed the target and got them 50 points instead of 100. My curveballs, on the other hand, usually look like flaming meteors hurtling towards me at 1,000,000 miles an hour while the rest of the world tries hard to look away, partially because they feel embarrassed that that the poor tall girl has to deal with yet ANOTHER public humiliation that will send the course of her life on a trajectory she never asked for, but also because they're afraid that if they stare too long, it might happen to them, too, and then where would they be.

Anyway, my move to Seattle was one of those meteors in every possible sense of the word, and a small byproduct of this meteor was the fact that I had 2.5 weeks to move my life from Chicago to Seattle. THIS WAS A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE, PEOPLE. It involved me selling everything I owned. I repeat: Everything. I. Owned. Do you KNOW the amount of crap you can accumulate over 25 years in the same spot??? IT'S A LITERAL TON, OK? A. LITERAL. TON.

I had a rare stroke of genius and decided to make use of the extensive network I was leaving behind in the city I loved by listing out all the crap that I owned in a GoogleDoc entitled YARD SALE and sharing it with over 300 people. Aside from the fact that almost everything I owned was sold within 24 hours (including my mattress) (which I didn't mean to sell until right before I left) (oops), I also was pleasantly surprised at how much fun it was to describe some of the items in my possession that often didn't get a second thought.

I recently came across that GoogleDoc while clearing out some emails and had a good laugh at myself (classic) and at remembering the many emotions I was feeling only seven months ago. I'm sharing some of my favorite descriptions of my stuff that is no longer my stuff, for posterity. #ficusforever #illneverforget

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2 white bedside tables with mercury glass handles These were bought for $40 each at IKEA, spray-painted with white latex, and upgraded with $20 mercury glass handles. The exact dollar value of Shelly Wildman's elbow grease put into said upgrades is priceless, especially since it involves under breath grumbling that may or may not have referenced me as the "Queen of Sheba" as I watched the whole thing in action from the porch. Regardless, they're pretty. Tops are showing some wear due to the fact that white latex paint shows a multitude of sins and one time I blew out a candle too hard. | SOLD!

IKEA LIATORP bookcase, like new Here's the thing. I bought this bookshelf less than a year ago, partially because I have more books than I know what to do with, but mostly because at the time I needed a good excuse to go to IKEA with a boy. I hate that I have to leave it since unlike most of IKEA's bookcases, it's actually pretty. It's in near-perfect condition, and is currently retailing for $250. | SOLD!

IKEA medium white bookshelf, old This was my high school bookcase (awww), went with me to college, and served as the Halsted apartment pantry, if any of you ever came to the Halsted apartment. It currently houses all of our games and my cookbooks and New Yorker collection, if any of you ever came to the Rockwell apartment. It has some wear and tear due to its oldness and the whole pantry thing, but gets the job done. | SOLD!

Queen mattress, box spring, & bed frame The most comfy queen bed that I know of. It's a 2 yo Serta and it is the subject of the story entitled "Kate Becomes an Adult: The Time I Cried in Sleepy's Because I Didn't Know How Much Mattresses Cost." Barely slept in due to nature of job (aka I don’t really live in my apartment because they always make me travel). | SOLD!

Velvet couch, tan Most of you have heard me talk at length about how much I love this couch. Most of you have heard Lauren talk at length about how much she hates this couch. Here's the thing: if you're not into mid-century modern, you will not like this couch. But if you like MCM, you want a great couch for people to sleep on when you remove the cushions, and you want a fantastically comfortable place to make out with your SO, this is the couch of your dreams. It’s got a couple strange marks that I think could be easily removed, but what do I really know about that kind of thing? Be forewarned, though, that IT IS SO HEAVY (ask Lauren about it sometime) | SOLD!

2 kitchen chairs They are wood and they match. They're so standard I don't really know how to talk about them so I'll just leave them at that. | SOLD!

IKEA dresser, white Ok here's the thing about this dresser. It withstood a little bit of water damage due to the Great Snowboot Debacle of 2013. The bottom drawer doesn't always close completely. It has seen better days. But if you are currently using plastic bins to store your clothes like some people I know did until recently *cough Andrew cough* this guy will be quite an upgrade. Or if you want scrap wood for a project? | SOLD!

Antique Ukranian Chest I bought this at an antiques market in Grand Rapids, where the lady told me a very long story about how it came over with Ukrainian Immigrants through Ellis Island. BS? Probably. But it looks super cool, can double as a blanket holder/coffee table, and if I had a dollar for how many people have commented on it, I could buy another one, probably. | SOLD!

1 large pink Ralph Lauren suitcase and 1 small pink Ralph Lauren suitcase These babies are old and worn, but serve their purposes well. Which, in case you were wondering, is to hold your clothes when you travel. Aside from that possibly not obvious fact, I think I should point out the very, very obvious fact that they are very, very pink, and may or may not be a little bit embarrassing to claim at an airport, depending on your level of comfortableness with claiming suitcases that look like they may belong to a preppy middle-schooler. Sold as set. | SOLD!

Ficus! Seriously, this is the best fake plant ever. It deserves an exclamation point. Hell, it deserves a holiday. It's a fake tree in a classy black pot. I love this tree. I hate to part with it. I miss it already. | SOLD!

2 Large baskets Ok, these baskets are the best. They're in great condition and durable and look cool whether they're holding blankets, clothes, shoes, or odds and ends (I don't know your life) and they're large, which if you know anything about baskets means they're not cheap, because who knew baskets are expensive?!?! I'll never understand it. | SOLD!

Fancy mirror from canton Raise your hand if you've been to Canton? No? Well it's a fancy a$$ antique and interior design market in Texas that is a Wildman family tradition. One time I bought a fancy a$$ mirror there. It can be hung on a wall, leaned up against a dresser, it can be used as a bludgeoning tool to ward off home invaders, or it can be used as a centerpiece on a very large table. It's very chic. | SOLD!

Full Length Mirror, Plain That's all, folks. | SOLD!